Now before you start panicking and thinking I’ve done something wrong to land me in some hard time, first allow me to explain a few things.

The last few weeks have been rather unhappy for me. It may sound like I’m repeating myself but people I’ve been close to in the past have seemingly faded away for reasons out of my understanding. It feels as if there’s not a whole lot I can do about that so I’ve stopped fighting it. If people want to drift away and push me out of their lives then so be it. Will I miss them? Terribly. Is there anything I can do to fix things? Your guess is as good as mine. I suppose them’s the breaks.

I’m rather unhappy about it and that’s just sending me into an emotional hole that’s being filled with all kinds of junk food when the opportunity presents itself. I’m currently staring at an empty Doritos bag. Not only do I feel incredibly guilty, I also feel incredibly sick. Sure, it was fun while it lasted and filling up on MSG is a good way to quell the depression… but overall I feel pretty disgusted.

I’ll openly admit that I’m afraid of seeking any kind of counselling for depression. Not only can I not afford meds (should it come to that), but I can’t even afford bus fare to get to a counsellor. I’m scared of divulging my fears and issues to anyone because I don’t want to be judged. There are some pretty dark thoughts in my head and it’s getting increasingly difficult to see the light. It’s hard times, man.

I’ve also been struggling to find work. I’ve revamped my resume (dubbed the ‘Ronsume’) and have decided to deluge just about anywhere in hopes of finding employment. I re-applied for the Blue Jays and feel pretty confident I’ll have that when the season picks up but I need something for right now. Hopefully the odds are in my favour by throwing my Ronsume just about everywhere I can. I really am excited for the Jays though. There are a lot of people I miss seeing and while they’re not my best friends, it will be nice to see familiar faces.

It’s not ALL bad though. I’m still learning French through Rosetta Stone and I’m about halfway through the first level. There are certain grammatical rules I’m still trying to wrap my head around and I haven’t actually tried to converse with anyone verbally but I think it’s going rather well. I do seem to have issues pronouncing certain words though. Anything with the letter “r” gives me problems. ‘Rouge’ and the like. It’s almost as if I’m trying to say both the letter ‘r’ and the letter ‘h’ at the same time. Drives me insane.

Anyway. Let’s get back on point.

With my social life crumbling and my unemployment continuing, I often feel as if I’m stuck in an invisible prison. With no money, I can’t afford to go to the gym and as a result, I can see that I’m gaining weight. I’m a little afraid to step on the scale to see how much damage I’ve done to the weight I’ve lost in the last couple of years. There has to be a way to lose some weight on the cheap, right?

Enter the prison workout.

A quick Google search will find an article detailing how you can use your own weight to get in better shape. Let’s take a look at this together.

The Burpee

Get ready for some pain. The burpee is a staple of the prison workout. Do 20 descending sets and you’ll have better muscles in no time. Here’s the process:

From a standing position, drop to a squat. Place your hands on the floor and spring back to a push up position. Do the push up. Jump back to a squat and then spring up into the air bringing your knees up to your chest. Do this 20 times. Take a breather then do 19 more. Then do 18, then 17, and so on. You’ll feel the prison workout burn.

There is absolutely no way that I’m going to start off doing 20 Burpees. I definitely am not in that good of a shape and am aware of my limitations. I think I will try to do as many as I can and use that as my starting set.

But wait! There’s more!

Upper Body

The Card Game – This prison workout challenge requires a deck of playing cards and a hat. Sit across the room from the hat and flip cards toward it. Any time you miss and a card lands face up, do as many push ups as the card reads (face cards are 10). Work your way through a whole deck and you’ll be working your way to some serious ripped abs and pectorals. And remember to keep your body level, no butts in the air (especially for actual prisoners).

Tricep Prison Workout – This is a simple dip. Place your hands on a chair, bed, or sink, and dip your body toward the ground.

Now assuming I get tired of doing just Burpees, I may switch it up and do the above instead. I don’t own a deck of cards so I may need to find one.

Lower Body

Squat Leap – This is basically a burpee without the push up. Do a squat and spring upward. This works the quads.

Jump Lunge – Lower your body into a lunge position, weight on the bent leg with the other leg stabilizing behind. Jump into the air and switch the position of your feet. Repeat as fast as possible.

Sounds easy enough.

Core

The Prisoner’s Plank – Drop to a push up position, body rigid and straight. Now hold this position for three minutes. It’s not so easy unless you’ve got washboard abs.

Well that sounds fun. I’ll probably put on a song that’s three minutes long and see if I can last the entire tune. I can already feel the hurt!

Of course, that’s not all. There’s always a bonus round to make things challenging.

For the Extreme Prisoner

Handstand Push-ups – You may have seen Nick Cage squeezing these out in Con-Air. The concept is simple, Do a handstand-you can brace your feet against a wall for support-then lower your head to the floor and push back upwards. You will build better triceps and shoulder muscles.

The Wall Squat – Back against a wall, lower your body until your upper and lower legs form a 90 degree angle. Hold this position as long as you can. Sounds simple? Try it for 5 minutes. That’s the prison workout way.

Yeah… no thanks. Although the wall squat doesn’t sound too horrible. I may give that a shot.

So what do you think? Is this feasible? Do you think I’ll see any kind of results? Give me some feedback! After all, being stuck in this prison… all I got is nothing but time*!

*Note: To pass the time I think I’m going to get a harmonica, a teardrop tattoo, and start singing about freedom and what I think that’s like.