My life has been a veritable mess for quite some time now. Everything seems to be in a constant state of disarray and confusion. It seems that there aren’t any constants and without an anchor to hold on to, everything is just drifting aimlessly until SOMETHING decides to happen.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have not been to the gym since my last post. Depression had gotten the better of me and within the last month, I hit complete and total rock bottom in terms of my emotional state and it’s been like hell to get out. I’ve ignored requests to hang out and be social and I’ve been drowning in a sea of empty chip bags, pop bottles, and assorted other junk food items to keep that hole somewhat filled.

As a result of all of that, I’ve put on a few pounds. It’s as if all of the hard work and effort that I put in early on in this challenge to lose weight was almost and completely wiped out. It’s pathetic and makes me feel worse than the crap I’ve been ingesting.

So where did it all go wrong? At what point did my life seemingly fall apart with control slipping from my grasp?

That’s the problem. I don’t quite know. A lot of things have happened in just about all facets of my life that it has become impossible to distinguish which factor is the real culprit. For example, I’m unemployed. The stress of finding a job, ANY JOB, has gotten to me and after sending out resume after resume it feels like all hope is lost. Am I really that unemployable? I’m a college grad, godammit! I didn’t go to school for nothing!

As a result of being out of work, my cash flow has started to dwindle. So far I’ve been on top of my important bills while letting certain things slide. My car, for example, is going to be scrapped in the coming weeks. I can’t afford to renew my insurance, my plates, or pay off outstanding fines without a job. The car is also falling apart and causing me problems when I DO need to drive it. Getting rid of it is probably the best thing for it and I can’t wait to put it out of it’s misery.

Of course, that will seriously hamper my social life. I am grateful that I have friends who drive and are willing to go out of their way to come and see me knowing full well that I can’t come to them. Sadly, I’ve become accustomed to avoiding public transit and taking the route into my own hands. Forcing myself to sit on the bus once again and take an hour long ride for something that is only a twenty minute drive is going to be like torture. Sadly, it will be a necessary evil until I can get back on top.

I’ve also been mildly frustrated with some choices that my friends make. It’s as if they go ahead and choose what they KNOW to be wrong for their long-term well being just because it’s easier than dealing with change and moving on. This statement will most likely be considered vague and some could read it and think it may have to do with them. For those of you thinking this applies: yes, I most likely am talking about you.

I won’t leave this post looking as if it’s full of doom and gloom. I will make sure this ends on a positive note. Don’t you worry.

Today was a fairly decent day. Despite some moments where I felt as if I was going to break down and lose it, I kept it together and enjoyed myself overall. I went to the gym today. While I will fully admit it wasn’t as productive as experiences past, it was good to get out of the house.

I started off with some cardio which I just wasn’t in to. I warmed up with 10 minutes on the elliptical before doing some leg work, chest and back work and I even experimented with some rowing. Actually, to be honest, despite not doing an hour of cardio… I think it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Hrm. I think I accomplished more than I felt I did. Perhaps my lack of activity in the last month or so has made it feel like it wasn’t enough. If I’m not too sore tomorrow, I was thinking of doing some more cardio and getting back on track. At least while I still can, anyway. Being poor means putting my gym membership on hold in the near future if I don’t get my finances straightened out.

Sigh.

ALRIGHT. The moment you’ve been waiting for. Time to end this thing on a positive note.

A month or two ago, I became aware of this internship program for Canada’s largest food distributor that was tailored for new grads. I sent in the application just before the deadline and thought nothing of it afterward. I figured that the competition for such a program would be fierce. With the economy the way it’s been, I would have considered it a small miracle to have been called back for the interview process.

Weeks had passed until I finally got an email last week saying that I had been shortlisted for an “interviewing event” that is to take place November 16th. HOLY CRAP, right? I’m still somewhat in shock and disbelief that I’ve gotten a shot at this. I emailed back my confirmation of attendance and even asked how many positions they were trying to fill within my stream. After a short while, the reply came back that they are hiring twenty positions “across the country” within the Supply Chain stream but weren’t willing to tell me how many had applied. That can’t be too bad, right? I can’t see it being an overly populated stream and if I can make it to an actual interview, you better believe I’ll do everything I can to nab one of these spots.

I’m hoping this pans out. This would be an outstanding opportunity to get my career up and running and begin the next chapter of my life.

Think happy thoughts for me.